


If I Die Young

by HannahJane



Series: Like Father, Like Daughter... And No One is Surprised [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Gen, Less than ideal parenting, Parent-Child Relationship, it's complicated - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannahJane/pseuds/HannahJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nani Lakuala is no one's idea of a soccer mom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Die Young

**Author's Note:**

> A character study of Layla's mother, her relationship with Steve, and her relationship with Layla. Title is also a Band Perry song.

**1\. If I Die Young- The Band Perry**

When Nani learns that she's pregnant, she makes plans to terminate it. After all, she's 18 and her boyfriend is 17 and they have no right raising a child as is clearly evidenced by the fact that she's a pregnant teenager in the first place. Besides, her father has already practically guaranteed her a position within the Agency as soon as she gets an Associates. It's one of those limited-time offers with very specific expiration date, the kind of offer that a newborn baby would instantly nullify.

Nani's plans for her future goes up in flames the second she shows Steve McGarrett the white stick with its two blue lines.

It is one moment of weakness.

And it changes everything.

Steve carries his heart on his sleeve and in his big green eyes, desperate for her and their baby and Nani is enough of a helpless romantic that she can convince herself that she loves Steve and that this is the best for all of them.

Pregnancy is easy: she eats what she wants (in fact, the doctor keeps insisting that she needs to eat more because she can't seem to gain weight), her hormones stay fairly level (she only threatens to kill people three times and those times are completely justified), and Steve is ready and willing with foot rubs whenever she desires them.

The big day comes and Nani is pretty sure she misses something between labor and when the doctor puts the bloody, squalling bundle of tiny human in her arms, telling her congratulations she has a beautiful baby girl. Something sparks inside her, but as she continues to hold the squirming child in her arms, she doesn't feel an "instant connection" (the one that the women at the doctor's office are always chattering about) with the child in her arms. The only thing she knows for certain as the nurse wipes gunk away from the tiny delicate feature of her daughter, is that she will kill for this child and really, maybe that's the only kind of connection she needs.

* * *

 

**2\. Set Fire to the Rain- Adele**

Nani carefully turns the page of the textbook, listening intently to the breathing of the infant asleep on her chest, little raven-haired head nestled over her heart. She has an oral final for her Arabic class tomorrow and while it's a test that she's not particularly worried about, it would still be nice to get some legitimate study time rather than this combination of babysitting/sporadic reading that she's been doing all evening.

Steve is MIA, having called earlier to say he was going to be late. She'd heard the cat-calls in the background and interpreted the vague description of his ETA to mean he was going to out with some of his teammates. The autonomy doesn't bother her – she's done the same thing herself a time or two – but the implication that she has nothing else to do but watch their child grates a bit.

Layla stirs on Nani's chest, one fist clenching and unclenching and completely distracting Nani from the work at hand. Setting the text book aside, Nani slides one of her fingers into the tiny grasping fingers and smiles at the strength in her baby's grip. Her daughter's little bow mouth opens and a yawn too large for her face emerges. There's the briefest flutter of long dark eyelashes and Nani tenses, preparing for another trip to the kitchen and more formula, but it's a false alarm. With a soft sigh, Layla settles back down, still clutching Nani's finger and her eyelashes finally settle down on her soft round cheeks as the baby sinks into a deeper sleep.

Nani stares at the minuscule fingers wrapped around her solitary digit, the tiny crescents of Layla's fingernails and the wrinkles on her knuckles. The Arabic textbook calls from the bed beside her, but as much as she wants too, Nani can't bring herself to pick it up.

* * *

 

**3\. Daughters- John Mayer**

After the third time that Nani nearly trips over her daughter and drops a batch of peanut butter cookies, she tries to think a little more strategically about the situation. The answer isn't necessarily the most orthodox, but Nani has volunteered to make cookies for the spring festival at Layla's school and she can't do it with Layla trying to crawl up her leg every five seconds, battering the cast on her arm against Nani's thigh.

"Here. Go wild." She tells her daughter as she puts her in a corner of the kitchen with a bag of flour, three measuring cups, a large metal bowl and a wooden spoon. Layla looks up at her, those hazel-green eyes blinking innocently then wrinkles her little nose and sticks her tongue out.

"Cute." Nani snarks with no real heat and turns back to the cookie making operation. She's pretty sure this is part of some hazing ritual that the head of the PTA makes all the parents go through, but 8 dozen cookies seems a little much. Nani whips up two more batches and slides them into the oven before she even remembers that her daughter is still in the kitchen with her. She glances over her shoulder and blinks.

Layla is head to toe flour, covered to the point that if Nani hadn't known the cast on her little wrist was actually pink, she would have guessed that it was brand new. A smile tugs at the corners of Nani's lips as Layla giggles, knowing she's been spotted.

"Cookies!" Layla shouts, banging her wooden spoon on the side of the metal bowl and then stopping dead at the ringing noise that it produces. Nani sighs as the wooden spoon impacts the metal bowl once more and then Layla starts banging in earnest, singing along in the sweetly tone-deaf way that all little girls have, appearing to make up the lyrics on the spot.

"Cookie! Cookie spoon! Cookie, cookie! Mama, cookie! Cookie, cookie, cookie!" Nani blows a loose strand of hair out of her face and turns back to the full-scale operation on the counter.

If ever there were a time for her to employ the 'R' in her SERE training, it was now.

* * *

 

**4\. F**kin' Perfect- P!nk**

Maybe there's something wrong in her head, a misfiring of synapses or a lost connection. It would go a long way towards explaining what she's doing.

Behind her, Nani can hear Layla wailing as she struggles against the firm but gentle grip of the patrol officer, trying desperately to follow. She even catches Jack McGarrett's entrance onto the scene, his loud voice both trying to calm Layla and call out to Nani who quickens her pace, darting through the glass doors to the squad room.

No one tries to stop her in the hallway as she stalks past, her heels clicking out a staccato pace on the floor.

Her father is waiting in the car along with the file that lays out in perfect detail the deep cover assignment she's about to undertake, the new life that she'll begin, a new life that is no place for a little girl with a crooked smile and brown pigtails. Nani blinks as she steps out the main doors of the police department, walking down the stone steps, the tears in her eyes swimming against her eyelids in a desperate bid for freedom that she denies.

* * *

 

**5\. Even Now- Caitlin and Will**

The argument is a knock-down drag-out one, the kind they hadn't had since they were together. Steve is lividly pissed, veins popping out of the side of his neck as he snarls at her. Nani is just as pissed because she doesn't like the high-horse stance he's taken and has no problem letting him know it. In fact, they're both so focused on verbally savaging the other that neither of them notices the four year-old in footie pajamas creeping down the stairs, clutching a pink penguin tightly to her chest until Steve suddenly pales, staring at something over her shoulder.

Nani turns to see Layla standing at the foot of the stairs, eyes wide as she stares at her mother.

"Layla-" Nani takes a step towards her only to stop as the little girl backs up. There's something painful about that, but Nani won't allow herself to be distracted by the emotion that causes her chest to tighten so painfully. What did she expect? She abandoned her daughter in a police station with a complete stranger so she could go deep cover in Sri Lanka. She's had no contact with her daughter in almost eight months. She mentally kicks herself for thinking she would have a warm welcome.

"Daddy?" Layla asks, her bottom chin wobbling dangerously. "Is Mommy really here?" Nani whips her head around to stare at Steve in amazement.

"Yeah,  _keiki_ ," Steve replies, the anger bleeding out of his face instantly, replaced by a look of exhaustion Nani doesn't think she's ever seen before. "It's really your Mom."

"She's not a dream?" Layla asks again in that tiny little voice.

Steve's high-horse stance suddenly makes a lot more sense.

"No, Layla." Steve says. "You're not having a nightmare again." Nani is pretty sure he adds that part strictly for her benefit. "Mommy's really here." Before Nani can fully register the exchange, she finds her arms full of a sobbing little girl who all but clambers her way up her body, clinging tightly to her neck. Over the top of Layla's dark head, Steve's mask of gentleness hardens as he meets her eyes and for once, Nani is unable to meet his gaze.

* * *

 

**6\. She Never Cried In Front of Me- Toby Keith**

The only one who doesn't seem to realize their relationship is doomed from the start is Steve. He's got a double set of blinders on: young love and the knowledge that Nani's carrying his child and it makes him ridiculously naïve.

Nani knows as soon as they go to her first sonogram that it won't last. Steve and Mo spend more time cooing over the sonogram than Nani does. In fact, she ends up snapping at them because all she wants to know is whether or not the baby is healthy and has all ten fingers and toes, not whether it's a boy or a girl or what kind of adorable things it's doing inside her stomach. Steve attributes her outburst to hormones and apologizes for not thinking of her blood sugar because she hasn't eaten in three hours and does she want to stop for shave ice on the way home? It's then and there that Nani knows he'll be an amazing father, but a crappy husband.

Nani's pretty sure he gets the point when he comes home early from the base, six months after she's given birth and finds her in their bed with one of the field operatives from the Hawaii field office.

* * *

 

**7\. Criminal- Fiona Apple**

Nani watches Layla's first dance recital from the back of the auditorium, a Sig Sauer tucked into the back of her jeans and a San Diego Chargers hat clamped firmly on her head. Even with the wall at her back, she's still paranoid and eyes everyone who walks past her, watching for weapons or radios. She promises herself that next time her baby sister manipulates their father into having Nani to break cover to attend any kind of performance by her child, she'll make sure she doesn't have a bounty the size of Texas on her head.

Layla's group performs about halfway through the program which is good because Nani has almost pulled her gun twice as late parents slip into the auditorium, startling her. As is the norm, the heavy velvet curtain raises revealing seven little girls in pink tutus, all posing in a line. Layla is the tallest of the bunch, graceful and beautiful in her tutu and tights and Nani can't help but smile at the broad grin on her daughter's face.

The music begins "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" and the girls begin to move, a basic version of the original ballet. It's awkward and awful and not something Nani would be willing to sit through for longer than five minutes. It helps that Layla is clearly the star of the show, her movements both more graceful and sharper than the other girls. The piece is over almost as soon as it begins, but the auditorium explodes into applause, an ovation that Nani whole-heartedly joins in on even as she edges towards the door. She pauses just long enough to see Mo go up to the front of the stage and hand Layla the bouquet of roses Nani had purchased that morning.

Even from the back of the large room, Nani can see Layla's lips forming the words as she reads the card, but she's gone before she can see Layla's dark head snap up, eyes scanning the room in desperation for a glimpse of the mother that she hasn't seen in almost two years.

* * *

 

**8\. Beautiful Disaster- Jon McLaughlin**

"See, she's going through this phase-" Nani ignores her sister as she pushes Layla's bedroom door open and stops short only to rapidly start moving again as her eleven year old daughter hurls a tennis shoe at her head. Nani yanks the door shut before she can be hit and stares at her sister in disbelief.

"… where she gets pissed off and throws things at people." Mo finishes, brushing a loose strands of jet black hair back from her face. She turns to head back down the stairs, but pauses on the top step and turns to look over her shoulder. "Welcome home, Nani."

It takes a good forty minutes and several more thrown shoes before Nani can even get into the same room as Layla, let alone talk to her. The delicate little ballerina is long gone, replaced by a surly hormone-riddled pre-teen who is having trouble adjusting to the jack-in-a-box appearances that both her parents are making in her life and the different parenting styles of her grandfather and aunt.

Layla refuses to talk to anyone all through dinner, instead she hides behind the curtain of her long dark hair and grunts in response to any questions asked of her. Nani isn't upset by the lack of welcome on her daughter's part. After all, Nani's the one who's flying back out again in eight hours.

* * *

 

**9\. Sweetest Girl- Wyclef Jean**

Nani attends Jack McGarrett's funeral in much the same way she attended Layla's first dance recital. She stands quietly at the back, a switchblade in her boot, hiding under a large black hat and watches Steve comfort their daughter. There's no bounty this time, but that doesn't mean the situation is any less dangerous. She's not welcome here and she knows it, but this is not something she would have missed, even though she can't offer Layla the same kind of condolence that Steve can.

The blonde detective who is investigating Jack's murder stands ten feet away from Nani, scanning the crowd and Nani tilts her head, allowing the black sun hat on her head to obscure her features. He's not looking for her, but she hasn't survived as long as she has by being stupid. The ceremony is blessedly brief, but even the short time frame cannot hide the fact that Jack McGarrett was a much beloved man.

The crowd mills around afterwards and Nani gracefully picks her way through the attendees towards the idling Lincoln Town Car near the curb. She slides into the passenger seat, smoothing her black dress down over her legs.

"Get that out of your system?" Trevor asks, his pale eyes hidden behind a pair of mirrored aviators.

"Just shut up and go." She says, staring straight out the windshield, determined not to look back.

 


End file.
